This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 81%. (I'm a bot)

Nicholas Palmeri's socializing and vacationing with Miami drug lawyers, detailed in confidential records viewed by The Associated Press, brought his ultimate downfall following just a 14-month stint as DEA's powerful regional director supervising dozens of agents across Mexico, Central America and Canada.
ADVERTISEMENT. Palmeri's is the second case in recent months to shine a light on the often-cozy interactions between DEA officials and Miami attorneys representing some of Latin America's biggest narcotraffickers and money launderers.
Oliva told AP the the translation work Palmeri's wife did for him was "Totally unrelated" to Palmeri and that he's "Never met a more ethical, hard-working and highly effective drug enforcement agent."
Some agents complained about his near-obsession with capturing Rafael Caro Quintero, the infamous drug lord behind the killing of a U.S. DEA agent in 1985, saying Palmeri prioritized that over the agency's less-flashy efforts to stem the flow of Chinese precursor chemicals used to make fentanyl.
Chris Landau, who oversaw Palmeri as U.S. ambassador to Mexico during the Trump administration, said that singular focus on Quintero and other such headline-grabbing arrests is characteristic of the DEA's broader failings in the drug war.
Several agents under Palmeri's command, including an assistant regional director, contracted COVID-19 following a meeting at the DEA office in the resort town of Mazatlán, where some agents say they were admonished or ridiculed for wearing masks.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: Palmeri^#1 DEA^#2 agent^#3 former^#4 U.S.^#5
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1. Dale MacKay: Can you please help feed those who sweep the streets (of litter)?
   
   1. David LeFevre: Can you please help patrons of pharmacies get a discount/coverage (even if capped per meal or per day) card for pharmacy meals, not just EBT, not just Medicare? Thank you. This is also because people may be working and be disqualified from EBT and then they may get paid weeks later.
   2. Hong Thaimee: Can you please distribute Mexican rice pudding, Silk almond yogurt, Asian (R~N) frozen bean bars (do not bite at once), Thai boba tea, matcha ice cream, flan, cheesecake (eg papaya cheesecake "Patent Dr Diana Hallare"), peach fruit cups, tiramisu to dental clinics - eg there may be not just patients in the waiting rooms but also their "chauffeurs" or kids (eg after school) for example.
   3. Jeanie Roland: Can you please help TOMS workers, eg the international shoemakers, be fed? Botoni? Nike in China+? Under Armour? Jimmy Choo? Shiekh brands? Transform Co. brands? Taryn Rose? Manolo Blahnik? Christian Louboutin?
   4. Kevin Tien: Can you please help fish/seafood cannery/pkg workers get enough hygiene supplies, eg underga/menstrupa/safehaircare?
   5. Nicole Gomes: Can you please help chefs of homeless shelters/soup kitchens get food gloves, dishwashing detergent, sponges, aprons, hair nets?
   6. Timon Balloo: Can you please help fund/recruit for the program for teaching kitchen appliance techs: fixing stoves/ovens/fridges/air fryers/ventilation/dishwashers...? I gave the plan to Salvation Army.

Shukran.
​
Sincerely,
Admiral Justice

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 68%. (I'm a bot)

BRUSSELS - European Union leaders endorsed a plan Thursday for sending Ukraine 1 million rounds of artillery ammunition within the next 12 months to help the country counter Russia's invasion forces.
"Taking into account the security and defense interests of all member states, the European Council welcomes the agreement ... to deliver ground-to-ground and artillery ammunition to Ukraine and, if requested, missiles," the meeting's conclusions on Ukraine read. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy thanked leaders for the initiative earlier during a video call.
With Ukraine facing ammunition shortages after more than a year of fighting, Estonian Prime Minister Kaja Kallas brought to the table last month the idea of the EU setting up a joint purchasing plan similar to the one devised during the coronavirus pandemic to buy vaccines.
"The EU supports Ukraine in its relentless quest for freedom," European Council President Charles Michel said.
Last month, Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán said the EU was partly to blame for prolonging Russia's war in Ukraine by sanctioning Russia and supplying Ukraine with money and weapons, rather than seeking to negotiate peace with Moscow.
Leaders also discussed the possibility of topping up with an extra 3.5 billion euros the European Peace Facility - a fund being used to reimburse member countries that provide weapons, ammunition and military support to Ukraine.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: Ukraine^#1 lead^#2 ammunition^#3 European^#4 member^#5
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Item Name Set Number: LEGO Ideas Dr. Who (21304)
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Description: Dr. Who and The TARDIS
Payment required w/in 10 minutes of raffle filling.
PayPal payments are to be Friends and Family only with NO COMMENTS. CashApp payments should have NO COMMENTS. Comments will result in a permanent ban

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Book 1 of The HEL Jumper
Year 2 of The HEL Jumper
Year 3 of The HEL Jumper
Year 4 of The HEL Jumper
Year 5 of The HEL Jumper
-----
Previous Patreon
Thanks to Darth_Android, Fern_Vale, Mamish, Vikairious, Gruecifer, Benjamin Durbin, Daddy_Talon, and everyone else supporting me on Patreon.
-----
A/N: Thank you all for your patience.
-----
“Well, that was certainly something,” Antoth remarked to himself as he looked over the sum of his people, who were obviously not ready to retire for the evening. Thanks to plentiful computational power aboard the ship, Io had not run into any snags synthesizing Cauthan language voice overs for The Princess Bride. Thantis had even gotten himself a cameo, his voice used for the role of the grandfather and narrator. Unfortunately for those interested in a quick dispersal, Io had forgotten to include any sort of disclaimer regarding the fictional nature of the tale, inducing a riot of discussion among the villagers. Ratha turned her nose up and wore a sour expression as even her hunters found themselves debating the best way to bring down an aggressive rodent of unusual size. The AI had a self-satisfied smile on her face as she approached the village leaders for feedback.
‘I’d say the movie was a hit. Did you like it?’ she wondered. Antoth spent some time gathering his thoughts, but Ratha shot from the hip as usual.
“This happily ever after business is nonsense. There were at least seven different opportunities where the pompous one could have permanently disposed of his rival. I suppose that idiocy is why he wound up where he did in the end though,” she said of the ignominious Prince Humperdinck. Antoth and Io shared a glance for the briefest of moments. The blonde haired woman smiled warmly.
‘I see the tale was quite captivating then.’
“It was. But there are other matters to attend to, as I may have mentioned earlier,” Antoth reminded her, looking up at the twin moons which shone brightly overhead. A leaden weight settled into his stomach as he contemplated a night sky without them. The Cauthan leader took a fortifying breath. “We are prepared to negotiate our departure from Mara. Please inform Natori at your earliest convenience. He has been mentioning more frequently that he feels the pressure of time.”
‘Oh I would not worry so much about that if I were you,’ Io told them with a wink, her green eyes reflecting a couple of the small fires scattered about the central plaza. ‘Certain circumstances have arisen that may lengthen our stay here, but that is no reason to delay talks. I have already notified the Admiral of your request. I assume you’d prefer for him to meet with you here?’
“I think that would be for the best,” Antoth agreed as Ratha remained alert but silent at his side. “There are notable items that Staroth and Nerazek wish to discuss. We must understand his vision on how we will be… acclimated to human society.”
Io nodded seriously and bowed to the two of them, doing her best to contain her excitement. ‘I understand. The-’
Antoth tilted his head questioningly as Io’s train of thought was derailed. “Spirit?”
She recovered quickly, however, and smiled at him. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. That was just Natori confirming that he would be happy to join you all first thing tomorrow morning, if it suits you.’
“The cub enjoys kicking me to the outhouse first thing in the morning,” Ratha grumbled. Io was happy to be deferential with someone else’s timetable.
‘Late morning it is! Should give everyone time to wake up and have breakfast at a minimum. I’ll just let the Admiral know that… hmm, that’s odd,’ Io said to herself, having suddenly lost connection to Natori’s personal device. While Ratha could have cared less, stalking over to her guildmates to oversee their conversation, the AI clarified for the sake of Antoth’s perpetually concerned visage. ‘It seems that the Admiral has entered an important and private meeting. I will be sure to confirm the time with him afterward.’
“That would be best, thank you,” the Cauthan replied before casting his gaze over his charges. “Looks like it’s going to be a long night. I hope not all of your… motion pictures are so captivating.”
Io chuckled as she crossed her arms under her bust, taking Antoth’s words as a compliment. ‘Oh just wait until they discover video games.’
-----
“That is wonderful news, Admiral Kaczynski. When will the negotiations begin? I’ll need time to prepare my-”
“If I may be so rude, Emissary, I would ask you to kindly hold your proverbial horses,” the dark-skinned man requested of the horned alien, who had stood abruptly in his haste. Kaczynski gestured for Qul’Roth to take his seat once more, his expression passively polite. Even with the alien sitting on the floor, the two were approximately eye level.
“There are some among your species who would consider such jokes offensive, Admiral,” Qul’Roth noted. Kaczynski smiled.
“I think it’s clear that beyond the hooves you bear little resemblance to Earth’s equine species, but if you took offense I assure you none was intended.”
“Oh no, perish the thought,” Qul’Roth replied, more agitated at having been made to wait instead of any wordplay. “If anything, the hand wringing itself is more grating. We don’t look anything like horses.”
“It is an ancient tradition for humans to take offense on behalf of others and make problems where there are none,” Kaczynski explained humorously as he folded his hands together on the surface of the conference table. “But I do intend to risk your offense by stating in no uncertain terms that this negotiation will take place between myself, as a representative of humanity, and the Cauthan. The Ghaelen will not be a party to the proceedings. Though if there is anything you wish to mention now, I will be sure to take it into account.”
The more honest members of Alpha Division were happy to admit, in private, that one of the joys of intergalactic diplomacy was trying to watch a Ghaelen adapt to an unforeseen situation. Natori shared that particular view, and his voyage to retrieve the Lancer had provided no shortage of opportunities. He did feel a twinge of guilt as Qul’Roth composed himself. It was the older, most self-assured advocates of the Order who were truly entertaining when ‘out of water’. “I request an explanation, Admiral Kaczynski. We are discussing the induction of another species into the galactic community.”
“With all due respect, Emissary, we will have to disagree on that point,” Natori said, using an index finger to adjust his glasses. “These proceedings are a direct continuation of the treaty of mutual assistance and protection that was signed weeks ago between my people and the Cauthan.”
“That may be so, Admiral, but I don’t see how that contradicts my assertion, unless you intend to permanently quarantine them somewhere,” Qul’Roth insisted. Natori’s nostrils flared as he took in a strong breath.
“We have already discussed the Udanis IV pacification on this trip, Emissary. What say you about the manner in which the Gorgons were… ‘inducted’ into the galactic community?”
“Admiral Kaczynski, I understand that the Udanis incident was both an unfortunate and formative deployment in your career. You have my condolences, but I fail to see what it has to do with the situation at hand,” Qul’Roth replied politely. Natori shook his head.
“That is kind of you, but unnecessary. I would not be the man I am today were it not for witnessing our war with the Gorgons firsthand. Are you aware that we are opening an embassy on their planet?”
Natori again found himself savoring the sight of flat-footed Ghaelen. Qul’Roth checked the data disc that hung from his neck, eyes narrowing in disappointment as he discovered the corresponding information. “Why was I not informed of-”
“This information is… was classified up until a week or so ago. It’s unfortunate that we missed the official announcement. There are a few individuals whom I would have very much wanted to observe in their ‘live reaction’, so to speak. But duty called, as it were! Your High Council is no doubt aware of this development already.”
The Admiral stroked his chin thoughtfully as Qul’Roth seemed troubled by the news. The alien rubbed his antlers for a moment before adjusting his position on the floor of the conference room. “How can this be? Those primitives- er, Gorgons were irredeemably violent! Our diplomatic attempts were met with silence or outright hostility!”
“As were many of ours, and after brutal subjugation I might add,” Kaczynski replied, not wanting to rib the alien unnecessarily. “However, that did not stop us. A pair of incredibly brave individuals from both of our species sowed the seeds of this diplomatic fruit over a decade ago. I don’t blame your species for cutting your losses early on, but too many young men and women died on that moon, Emissary.”
“Yes well,” Qul’Roth began with uncertainty. “While we are most grateful for humanity’s sacrifices in resolving that dreadful conflict, I fail to see its relevance to the Cauthan question.”
“Are you familiar with the White Man’s Burden, Emissary?” Kaczynski asked instead, leaning forward over the table as he did so. The Ghaelen remained mute as he processed the non-sequitur. After consulting his data disc and skimming over a handful of notes he shook his head.
“My education on your species and its particularities doesn’t seem to have touched on this concept, Admiral. I assume it is-”
“I have my reasons, I assure you,” Natori cut in, assuming a less overbearing posture as he leaned back in his chair, crossed one leg over the other, and made slow, circular motions with his hand to help gather his thoughts. “Human history is, sadly, often defined by race and racism. It is an unfortunate but natural tendency of our minds’ desire to sort and categorize. For instance, there was an entire body of anthropological science dedicated to proving out the hypothesis that humans who look like me or my mother are biologically inferior to fairer skinned peoples, or even a different species altogether. I actually have a few of those manuscripts and documents in my possession back on Earth. Fascinating stuff, now that it’s been put behind us.”
“I…” Qul’Roth began, but Natori waved him off before pouring each of them a glass of water.
“This was not intended to make you feel uncomfortable, Emissary. It goes both ways as well, to be fair. My father was not initially accepted by certain portions of my mother’s community, and not all of them came around even after many years. That being said, these individuals were similar to the classmates I had to divest of the notion that they were related to Egyptian Pharaohs on account of their dark skin. You cannot imagine the looks on their faces when I told them they were more likely related to Ghengis Khan than Tutankhaman! I was… not very popular with them after that. But let us talk instead of the White Man and his Burden, as they called it. It was a convenient line of argumentation, a jump from the observation that European society had exceeded and surpassed many others on the planet to equating that success with the race of that civilization’s inhabitants. Once convinced of their own superiority, it was a foregone conclusion that it was incumbent upon them to spread their gifts to the lesser, darker races of the planet.”
“How barbaric!” Qul’Roth exclaimed. “And you said this line of thinking is only a couple hundred years old?”
“Rudyard Kipling, 1899,” Natori dictated, clearly having memorized the factoid. “And while I agree that it is a barbaric way of thinking, would the Philippines have been a founding member of the HEL without its history as an American colony? I wonder.”
“But surely you don’t mean to excuse-”
“No more than your species excuses its own atrocities in the name of progress, Emissary Qul’Roth,” Natori said calmly, his eyes narrowing. “I told you I had a point in all of this messy history.”
Gears turned behind Qul’Roth’s black eyes as he understood Kaczynski’s equation of his own species to imperialistic Europeans and Americans. “Admiral, you are out of line.”
“Oh? And you intend to put me back in my place?” he laughed. “Tell me, Emissary. What was it about humanity that caused your species to negotiate with us as you did? Were we special in some way, or just the first species you found capable of effectively shooting back?”
“That was before I was born, Admiral,” Qul’Roth replied carefully, his tone cold. Natori smiled.
“Indeed. First and foremost, Emissary, I am a human. Second, I am a scientist. In that spirit, please understand that what I am doing is not out of hatred for you, your people, or your Order. I intend an experiment, a trial, if you will, for the noble savage,” the man explained in broad terms. “Because I disagree with how our alliance has treated species it deems unfit for modern society.”
“Then what is it, exactly, that you intend to do?” the Ghaelen demanded reasonably. Again, Natori met him with a grin.
“I am not sure yet, Emissary. But I can tell you what I intend not to do. I will not impose upon them tenants of your Order as a condition for safe passage to Earth. They will be expected to not endanger themselves, my crew, or this ship, but otherwise I intend to allow them to live as freely as they would like. They will be offered education, job training, and employment, but it will not be mandated. Given the size of their population and the aforementioned issues with their remaining on Mara, I’m sure this will not be too great of an imposition on you?”
“What is that saying among your people, Admiral? It’s the principle of the matter?” the alien suggested. “Your executive decision to exclude my people outright from this matter is inappropriate at best.”
Natori raised his water glass slowly to his lips, taking only enough to wet his throat. The glass made the lightest of noises upon its return to the table before the Admiral presented his perspective on the matter. “Emissary, if I were excluding your people and their interests from this matter then I would be making arrangements for the villagers to remain here along with a portion of my crew, in the interests of establishing a human science colony on this planet. I have already seen and experienced enough in our brief time here to suggest that, were it not for the restraints imposed upon both of our species by what I consider to be generally prudent first contact protocols, this course of action is the only suitable one. Out of deference to our alliance, however, and consideration for the other Cauthan populations on the planet, I am willing to leave that decision up the HEL and your High Council. I will not, however, compromise the treatment of the village that gave aid and succor to our lone survivor, despite having barely anything beyond what they need to survive themselves. It is the duty of humanity to reward that kindness.”
The two men were interrupted by a knock on the metal door to the well ‘fortified’ meeting room. Thanks to the various surveillance countermeasures in place, Natori was required to stand and walk over to the door. Once there, he used the lock panel to verify the identity of their guest. “Thank you for taking time away from your charges to deliver this,” he said to Antia, accepting a bowl of greens and a coffee from her. “I will be sure to note that delivering me a coffee is above and beyond your job description.”
It was difficult to miss the fact that Kaczynski was meeting alone with Qul’Roth, verified by Anita simply leaning to the side and observing the contents of the meeting room. “Um… it’s no problem, sir. Is something-”
“All will be revealed when appropriate, Engineer Prakash. Don’t ask how the sausage is made, as they say, hmm?” he advised, sending her politely on her way before returning to his discussion with the Ghaelen emissary. “A little something for each of us?”
“I would have expected you to bribe me before explaining your plans for unilateral action on the Cauthan issue, Admiral,” Qul’Roth stated curiously, though that did not stop him from sampling the fare before him. Natori just turned a smile and leaned back in his seat.
“That’s because it’s not a bribe, Emissary. It is, however, late in the evening and I did not want to rush you out the door,” the man explained. The alien chewed thoughtfully for a moment before replying.
“I would like to think that I’ve learned better than to contest you directly when you set yourself on a course of action, Admiral Kaczynski, though you should have no doubt that my superiors will hear of this unilateral decision making of yours. This is not what our species agreed upon at the outset of this project. That being said, I have rarely heard you speak with such conviction as now. So let us set aside this Cauthan question in favor of your comments about Mara and a human colonial presence here. What makes you so certain, Admiral?”
“Was the ancient, advanced, alien technologies tampering with the warp point and altering space-time itself not enough?” the man replied incredulously. The Ghaelen held up a hand as he chewed thoughtfully, only speaking once finished.
“My understanding of the situation is that installations were found all over this system, including one on one of the moons of this planet. Surely those could be studied instead?” he proposed. Natori allowed the point.
“While scientific exploration on a habitable world is easier, I concede your point with regards to minimizing our impact on the planet and its inhabitants. That being said, Emissary, such an approach would paint an incomplete picture. The alien system, presumably active for millions of years, ended its operations and engaged in a controlled self-destruct sequence in response to a Cauthan. We believe the keyword was their god of death, Kel. If that was an accident, it was a one in a billion event.”
Qul’Roth straightened his back as he stroked the long tuft of hair that grew from his chin. His antlers almost scraped the ceiling of the human-sized room. “I must have missed that tidbit of information, Admiral.”
“That’s because it’s not publicly available, Emissary, and the soldiers there at the time have been made to understand that this subject is highly classified, at least for the time being. I hope you understand the implications of my sharing this with you here and now,” Natori elaborated before opening the leather-bound folder he often carried with him. A single piece of paper was slid across the table for Qul’Roth’s perusal. He took it between his fingers and read the title.
“This is… from the team that was ambushed by the ursae, yes? Dreadful affair that was. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt such visceral terror before!”
“Exactly,” Natori said, providing some context as Qul’Roth read the small, official, typeset text. “The plate tectonics of this continent are similar to those found on Earth near the Himalayas. This makes the central ranges, especially the older one to the east, of particular interest in examining the geological record of this planet.”
“Indeed,” the Ghaelen nodded, checking for himself to ensure he understood the proper meaning of the scientific term. “And what exactly was this team looking for in… this can’t be right.”
“Oh? And why not?” Natori wondered with childlike glee. “We’ve already found a nuclear powered endoskeleton and a formerly functioning robot. Why not nuclear war?”
“But there is no… I see,” the Ghaelen suddenly realized, raising his head from the paper and leaning forward. “You would stay behind and search for these clues. Have you found any corroborating readings at other sites? Ruled out natural causes such as volcanism or meteorite impact?”
“My dear Emissary, now you are beginning to sound like a crew member of the Event Horizon!” Natori complimented the alien, who responded with an indignant noise from within the hollow cavities of his skull. “We are still waiting for analysis of the samples gathered by other teams, and I ask you to keep in mind that the initial wave of geological sampling was intended to probe several locations as well as several eras in this planet’s geological history. With this sort of reading confirmed, we will be able to narrow our future searches.”
“Mmm, yes. I understand. I was not trained as a geologist though,” Qul’Roth explained before handing the paper back to the Admiral. “This report is quite confident in its conclusions.”
“Cobalt, Barium, Americium… you don’t see those elements in those isotopes following meteorite impact or volcanic eruption, Emissary. I have requested that Io forward the relevant literature to your device for review in your spare time. We will do our best to confirm this result before our departure.”
“Yes, yes indeed. If this is the case that village is most certainly an afterthought. Perhaps even the entire population? No matter, I will not be able to resolve this issue today,” Qul’Roth concluded after a moment of mumbling. “I do not know whether to call this serendipity or the worst of luck, Admiral. For the sake of the Order, I urge you to devote all available resources to answering this question.”
“You need not invoke the Order in this case, Emissary. I assure you that we will do all within our power,” Natori promised earnestly. The man paused for a moment, tilting his head towards the ceiling with his mouth slightly open, as though a thought were on the cusp of crystallization.
“Is there something the matter, Admiral Kaczynski?” Qul’Roth asked formally. The man returned to a relaxed posture and shook his head.
“No, thank you Emissary. I was just wondering if you might check your own species’ records for data on this system. It could be anything from anomalous light readings to scout ships gone missing, as with the Lancer. I hope we can both agree that while the possibility of a nuclear war on this planet is distressing and headline catching, the true question is who was able to seal the system off from the rest of the galaxy, and why did they do it? No matter what our subsequent geological surveys return, that question will remain outstanding.”
Qul’Roth looked down at his shimmering data disc as he chewed a green leaf between his molars. “We have deviated significantly from the original topic of conversation, Admiral. But I think this has been productive nonetheless. In the spirit of cooperation and discovery, valued as they are by the Order, I will immediately consult the records I have access to. I do not want to over promise, however. Even with this ship’s significant data storage capabilities, a preponderance of our species’ records relating to galactic exploration remain on Ghaela. Your people follow the same principle, no?”
“To an extent,” Natori agreed. “Though in our defense I would describe it more as information filtering. The vast majority of scouting data is released to the public promptly, though I know as well as anyone that some remains classified. That will likely be the case with much of what we have seen here, reminding me that I have a most difficult situation to attend to before we reach Earth once more. I am discussing paperwork, Emissary.”
“Oh, thank goodness. I was worried there would be yet another unexpected twist to this already stressful dialog,” the Ghaelen almost laughed with relief. “I presume you’re speaking of the need to bind members of your civilian crew to non-disclosure agreements?”
“And the Cauthan,” Natori agreed with a chuckle of his own. Qul’Roth cleared his throat and pushed off his hind legs to assume an upright, if hunched position.
“As you requested, I will leave those details to you, Admiral Kaczynski. I will instead return this bowl to the good engineer in hydroponics so as to deliver my thanks in person. I am sure we will speak again shortly. May our actions serve to uphold the Order.”
“And a good evening to you as well,” Natori allowed the alien to depart the conference room, effectively terminating the various countermeasures in effect. Left alone, he placed his feet on the table, propped his elbow on the arm of his chair, and rested his chin against his knuckles. “I suppose I did deserve that little jab about the Cauthan situation. He’s become wittier over the last year or so.”
The Admiral glanced out of the corner of his eye as a familiar form shimmered to life and looked around the space before finally focusing on him. ‘Ah, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. With an expression like that you seem to be missing a stiff drink at your side, Natori.’
“I think we both know you could have taken down the countermeasures if you had really wanted to, Io,” the man responded. She crossed her arms.
‘I have lived my entire true life in a village where privacy is basically non-existent. I know the meaning of a do not disturb sign when I see one. But you give your engineers too little credit, Natori. Even I am not exactly sure what would have happened if I had tried to brute force my way in here. Well, I know what’s supposed to happen, but not if I were to defend myself. Given you were not in any appreciable danger I chose not to. Who were you conversing with so secretly?’ she wondered, pulling up a gilded table, seating herself in a plush, Victorian armchair, and pouring herself a glass of blood red wine. ‘The Princess Bride was a smash hit, by the way.’
“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father… prepare to die,” Natori quoted with admirable gusto but a less than perfect accent. “He was always my favorite, the man dead set on revenge who manages to achieve it without letting it consume and warp him. Do you have a moment?”
Io looked down at her comfortable setup, having even donned a pair of outrageously fluffy slippers that looked like stuffed hyrven. ‘My alternative engagement for the evening is watching a shirtless hunk of a man snuggle with his naked and now quite rotund wife. And while I never tire of watching true love play out between them, it has gotten decidedly less intense since Veera came down with a case of babies. The rubbing of fluffy tummies and gentle, unobtrusive, lovemaking just doesn’t get my circuits overheated the same way as when they were fumbling around and biting each other like horny teenagers.’
Natori’s head quickly returned to his hand, downing the last of his coffee and finding it lukewarm. “Is there anyone in particular I should blame for your voyeuristic subroutines?”
‘The aforementioned lack of privacy and a dead engineer with a penchant for maids,’ Io explained before turning the conversation on a dime while crossing her legs above the knee. ‘Was it the Emissary you were speaking to here?’
“It was indeed, and I may have dug myself into a bit of a hole out of pride,” Natori admitted, looking away from her for a moment.
‘Shall I bring my body over from the hangars? This sounds like it might be a long conversation,’ the AI deduced. The Admiral nodded, turning his chair to face her fully and returning his feet to the floor.
“An updated copy of the ship’s status report and another cup of coffee would be much appreciated as well,” he added. Io conjured a stack of paper and ‘flicked’ it at him, its arrival heralded by a small ping from his device.
‘The coffee will take a little longer,’ she explained the obvious, content to watch quietly as Natori’s eyes skimmed line after line of ‘all clear’ and the occasional ‘within acceptable parameters’.
“I won’t hold it against you,” he promised before setting aside the piece of technology and looking directly at her. “And it would seem that I still have some time to speak.”
‘Yes, you mentioned a hole you’ve been digging?’ Io probed pointedly, receiving an abridged version of the conversation the Admiral had undertaken with Qul’Roth. ‘I see. Well, I can hardly fault you for wanting the Ghaelen out of the picture, not that I think any of the villagers will find the Order particularly compelling. I do feel the need to point out that race was, in all likelihood, a convenient excuse for the equally basic human penchant for territorial expansion and empire.’
“Perhaps,” Natori agreed, pushing his chin up and to the side with a hand in an attempt to crack his neck after sitting still for too long. “Not that that sort of historical nuance would well persuade those for whom race still matters today. Some make it difficult to forget.”
‘And I’m sure Qul’Roth absolutely appreciated the completely accurate comparison,’ Io guessed with a smug expression. ‘So that’s what you wanted me to help you with? Come up with a plan to elevate the Cauthan technologically without enlightening them morally? Do you have any idea how irresponsible that sounds, Natori? I’m sure the Aztecs would have made incredible discoveries in the field of astronomy alongside industrializing the institution of human sacrifice if you suddenly pulled them forward two thousand years.’
Natori blinked twice, opening his mouth to reply only to find that Io had vanished. “Scolded by an AI, on matters of morality no less?”
‘And I’m sure you’re positively giddy about it,’ came Io’s true voice as she entered the room in the biomechanical flesh, depositing another steaming cup of coffee in front of the man.
“Quivering in my seat,” he chuckled, bringing the coffee to his lips and inhaling deeply before taking a sip that almost burned his tongue. “And you’ve taken to wearing perfume, it would seem?”
‘Oh shut it, you,’ Io glared at him as she settled into a seat. ‘I was surrounded by cooking fires all night.’
“Well I find the combination to be mildly intoxicating, as though your beauty were not enough. You don’t get much wood smoke on a starship. But we have bigger fish to fry, do we not?” he pointed out, assuming a more neutral sitting position and sterner expression. Io nodded curtly.
‘Flatterer; but you should start, Natori. Was I mistaken in my diagnosis, or is that really what you were planning?’ the AI wondered, her tone more curious than accusatory.
The Admiral shrugged. “I’m not sure I would go that far, but I did insist that we humans would handle the issue of Cauthan uplift, nor was I particularly subtle about it. I believe I implied that it was necessitated, in part, as reciprocation for taking care of you and the First Lieutenant. Am I mistaken in my opinion of them?”
Io’s expression softened as she prepared to show him a short video using her built-in palm projector. ‘No Natori, I don’t think you are. But I think you are focusing too heavily on the ones you know personally, Antoth and Ratha, Nerazek and Gentia and Thantis. Your opinion of the Cauthan is based primarily on those among them whose passions are tempered by the burden of leadership. You spoke of race and racism with the Emissary? The Cauthan are just as capable of racism as man. Watch.’
Natori did just that, leaning over the table and observing almost unblinkingly a recording that Io had saved from their very first day within the walls of the village, the day when a starved, outcast Veera was slated to be tortured for the crime of ‘aiding and abetting’ a servant of Kel. With the benefit of time and hindsight, it was easy for Io to translate a good deal of the ambient chatter from the audio. Natori placed a hand over his face, covering his left eye and half of his forehead. “I see,” he mumbled sourly. “So I was blind, then?”
Instead of answering directly, Io reached across the quarter of the table that they sat at to take his unoccupied hand in hers. She gave him a gentle squeeze before retreating. ‘Udanis was hard on you, wasn’t it?’
“No harder than it was on the soldiers who fought and died in that hellscape, nor the Gorgons who saw their world unjustly invaded in the name of peace,” the Admiral insisted. Io scoffed.
‘Foolish human, that wasn’t what I asked,’ she pointed out, throwing him a quick smirk as he perked up at her choice to refer to him by his species. ‘You did what President Truman did, Natori. You and the rest of Delta aboard the Resplendent Dawn’s fleet took the fight directly to the leaders of each faction as best you could. You killed many, and likely saved more than that number. At least that’s what the after-action projections show. Do you really believe Admiral Friedrich would have ordered a genocide of the Gorgons had the Ghaelen ordered it?’
Natori looked at Io with wide eyes before breaking into a tired laugh, full of complicated memories. “That stubborn old German? He would have destroyed all communication buoys in the system and then ordered all guns turned on the Ghaelen. And when word eventually reached the Ghaelen homeworld… he probably would have led our strike force.”
‘And there is your answer, Natori,’ Io assured him. ‘Do not think the Cauthan unimpeachable because of their idyllic, pristine existence. Have more faith in your species.’
Kaczynski leaned back in his chair and shook his head slowly, unable to believe what he was hearing. “How the hell can you be so sure, Io?”
‘You mean other than behavior modeling and more than a year of hands-on experience with the Cauthan? I used to be a tool, Natori. The Order would approve, no doubt. Now I am free, which should strike terror into the tiny part of your lizard brain that still values threat avoidance… but I was guided by a good man, and a good woman. The Cauthan need that now, just as the Gorgons did. Civilization, morality, and technology go hand in hand. I honestly don’t quite understand how humanity managed the technological jump without immediately killing one another en masse, but here we are!’
“It certainly wasn’t due to a moral uplifting from the Ghaelen,” Natori replied, feeling the weight of a population settling on his shoulders. His brow furrowed. “But I am in no place to be what you think I should be.”
‘And maybe I would agree if I accessed Dr. Lamont’s notes on you, but that’s neither here nor there,’ Io insisted. ‘Natori, you have two of Marshall and Sandra Winters' children on this ship. You have the good Doctors Dupuis, Anita, Darius, Lance Corporal Mendes, and so many others, many of whom you hand selected for this mission. You need only impress upon them the weight of the historical moment that seems to be upon us; or the negotiations could go south tomorrow and we can leave without them!’
The Admiral’s head bobbed lightly as he held in another chuckle. He looked at Io with sincerity, returning at last to his coffee. “Then I believe we should discuss any and everything you think will be brought up tomorrow morning. I’ve had a long and winding career, but I refuse to fail at a boast made to a Ghaelen. It is long past time that humanity has its chance to demonstrate proper uplift protocols.”
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FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
Fun fact: there is actually a kind of plant which imitates the smell of corpses, to attract flies to eat them.
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He woke up flat on his back staring up at the ceiling. It was dark, but that was expected when you were living on a space station. Hand to his head, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, becoming aware of a now-familiar, but heavier, sensation tugging at the skin of his stomach and sides.
It had been almost a month since he had been stuck with the alien eggs, feeding off him for support, and in that time, he had grown a greater appreciation for women and pregnancy, not to say that what he was experiencing was in any way close, but it did have elements that were rather similar.
Testing had concluded a likely series of events, which had led to this strange ability by the Adaptids.
It appeared as if the original Adaptids had had the usual binary gender system that you see in many species, a male, and a female, and at that time, their eggs had been primarily parasitic until hatching.
It may have been, that, originally, they laid their eggs on other species, and a few of the eggs would survive. However, when they met the original version of the host gender, the situation had turned out to be mutually beneficial for both of them. The more mutually supportive, the more the hosts evolved to help the Adaptids. Eventually a line of DNA acquisition allowed the host to pass on its DNA through the parasitic eggs.
Over time, this ability had allowed the Adaptids to incorporate other species into their genetic code, successfully breeding in desired traits. They probably hadn't been a species that was originally intended for sentience, but their ability to adapt had changed things.
It was concluded that the use of a human for the Adaptids evolution was an inevitability and not an accident.
The queen had probably intended to do what she did the moment she saw them, it was in their nature to do so.
For him, the tradeoff wasn't so bad, he supposed. Granted he had what could best be described as an absolutely MASSIVE tic (or rather 6 of them…), but one that allowed him to eat whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.
And he’d be dammed if he wouldn’t enjoy that as much as he could.
As far as his newfound appreciation for pregnant women went, that came with his inability to sleep on his stomach, strange and sometimes unnerving cravings, random nausea, and, recently, an extreme sensitivity to smell, not to mention the almost compulsive need people felt to touch the eggs whenever they saw them.
The smell though, that was the worst thing.
Whatever this was, it wasn't simply a distaste for specific smells, but he swore on his life that he could smell things he shouldn't have been able to smell.
He stood up, stretched and walked over to the viewing window, pressing the button to open the shutters on his way past, bathed suddenly in the light of Jupiter's stormy red eye. He paused there looking out at the view. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and smiling to himself. Not many people get to live their dream, not many people become what they wanted to be as a kid.
He was incredibly lucky.
A knock at the door startled him from his musings.
Speaking of incredibly lucky...
"Come in!"
He called, wandering over to the side of the room to grab a glass of water.
The door hissed open, and Sunny stepped into the room, ducking under the short door frame before it hissed closed behind her. She glanced towards the window,
"Who the hell decided to give you the executive suite?”
He smirked,
”Pretty suite view, Isn't it?”
”Keep in mind you are not a dad yet…”
”Do I look like I care? I got six reasons to practice right here…”
*"Anyway, where do you want this?"
She wondered holding the breakfast trey before her.
"Uh... just set in on the side table there."
He said, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door with a sharp hiss.
Sunny heard the water turn on,
"Krill wants to see you this morning."
She called, a little louder so he could hear it.
"Doesn't surprise me."
The man called back, as he angrily tried to adjust the water temperature. He swore it only ever got lukewarm, especially of those mornings he just wanted to scald the first layer of his skin off.
When that wasn't enough, he turned off the water and got dressed, eventually returning to his room where Sunny sat over a large bowl of salad. Luckily, the Drev, as herbivores, were capable of eating certain types of earth food. It was a real monetary plus, as thousands of dollars were spent simply trying to keep the humans fed, much less their alien counterparts.
He sat down next to her and sniffed at the air,
"Pancakes, syrup butter, and orange juice."
She raised an eyebrow at him,
"Am I really that predictable?”
He shrugged,
"Well there are only so many breakfast options, but I could smell it."
She looked skeptical,
"You can smell orange juice?”
He sniffed at the air,
"You can't? It's pretty strong."
"Not a human, remember."
He gave a rueful smile,
"Whoops, sometimes I forget."
He pulled the lid off the top of the breakfast dish, and was hit in the face with a rather strong smell of breakfast. Luckily it wasn't unpleasant, but it was surprisingly overpowering, and he had to shake himself a few times to dissipate the smell,
"Wow, that's strong."
She eyed him again in confusion,
"The smell of pancakes is... Strong?"
"Even YOU should be able to smell it."
When she didn't, he finally let it go and ate his breakfast. It tasted pretty good, more flavorful than usual, but he supposed that was partially due to the strength of the smell.
While he was eating, Sunny leaned over and pulled up the side of his shirt to examine the eggs.
He let her. When other people did it, it was kind of annoying, but he was generally ok with Sunny doing what she wanted, they were friends enough for that.
"Do they... Look bigger or is it just me?”
He shook his head,
"Eggs don't grow, Sunny. They are a little bit heavier though, which is a bitch on my back."
Sunny grunted and sat back in her chair,
"Have you shown the admiral?”
He snorted,
"You should have seen the look on her face. I think I may have just given her nightmares for a few weeks."
The commander finished up his breakfast, and together he and Sunny stepped out of the room and made their way down the hall. It took them longer than they intended to reach their desired destination, as everyone and their dog had to stop and take a look. Despite the supposed "privacy" he was entitled to, based on medical procedure, his condition had spread around the station like wildfire. He was no longer "the commander" but the guy "with the eggs" or (erroneously) "The guy who hooked up with an alien spider.”
The amount of times he had to explain was starting to get a little old, but whatever. Those who didn't want to touch, wanted to ask a million questions, and vice versa. Occasionally there were those who fit into both camps.
As he was doing this, he began to notice something strange. Something less strange and more disgusting.
He sniffed at the air after one of the guys finally left to be on his way wrinkling his nose,
"That guy did NOT shower today."
Sunny glanced over at him,
"I thought some humans only showered every-other day?”
"Well, they SHOULD be doing it every day if you ask me…”
The more people they met, the more issues he began to have. Floods of aftershave, perfume and flowery deodorant. When they didn't smell like soap, they smelled like body odor, and when they didn't smell like that, they smelled like the last thing they had eaten. He rubbed at his temples as the headache began throbbing slowly at the back of his skull.
"Are you ok?"
Sunny wondered, they had finally made it down the hall and into the docking bay.
Stepping through the doors into the massive room, the commander was hit by an absolutely stifling wave of oil, grease, solvent, BO, and paint. He grew lightheaded and had to reach out and steady himself against Sunny's arm as they walked down the length of the room.
She glanced over at him nervously, but he only shook his head at her, covering his nose with one hand as they made their way across the deck and to their ship, docked at the other end.
The station was an absolutely massive piece of engineering, probably the size of a large city, and being added onto every day. While it wasn't likely to ever reach anything near the size of something like, say, the Death Star, it would still probably end up very large.
Their ship, the U.N.S.C. Harbinger looked almost tiny compared to the room that surrounded it.
Adam was relieved when they were finally inside, and the outside smells had all but dissipated.
Walking next to him, Sunny escorted him up to the medical bay, where Dr. Katie and Krill were already hard at work.
Stepping through the doors, Adam was suddenly assaulted by the pungent smell of disinfectant and isopropyl (rubbing alcohol). The smell was so strong that it made him momentarily lightheaded. He swayed on his feet hand to his head, and Sunny was forced to steady him.
"Adam, Adam, are you ok?”
The room spun around him as the smell intensified. He leaned heavily against Sunny as the room echoed, the headache intensified.
Voices rose and fell around him, and it seemed as if he tilted sideways in slow motion. Something stopped him from falling to the floor, and he vaguely recognized Sunny's armored arms holding him up.
"Get him to one of the beds."
Krill ordered.
"No... no, I think he said something about the smell."
Sunny protested, Dr. Katie interjected,
"Then let's get him into the other room,"
He momentarily blacked out here, but woke a few minutes later with the smell mostly absent and a pounding headache.
"Commander, commander are you ok?"
A light flashed from one eye to the other, and he tried to wave them off.
"I, I'm ok... Just got a bit dizzy there for a second."
"Your blood pressure is normal."
Commented Dr. Katie, Adam moaned:
"Yeah, but did you have to bleach the entire building this morning? I feel like my eyes are going to singe out of my head."
The two looked back and forth between each other and him,
"What do you mean Commander? It smells just like it normally does."
He shook his head,
"Guess again... Can we just to the exam here. I can't go back in there."
They were clearly worried, but they agreed to humor him, allowing him to lay back and rest his head. He could smell Dr. Katie's perfume. He would have said that it smelled like cinnamon except for the chemical aftertaste that it left lingering. Her breath was sharp with mint, but even under that he could tell she had a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast.
He decided against mentioning it, seeing as it might sound a bit creepy.
He tried focusing on something other than the smells, while the two of them took a look at the eggs, and where they had adhered to the skin.
"Nothing appears abnormal."
Krill commented,
"Skin color is fine…"
"Are you having any other strange symptoms?"
Dr. Katie wondered.
"Hungry... been craving for red meat... Probably protein or iron... And then there is the smell... Oh and I’ve been unusually cold lately."
Checking his temperature, they didn't find anything abnormal and drew some blood to make sure there weren't any problems hiding under the surface they just couldn't see.
[…]
As for the smell, that was only getting worse.
He had gone onto the bridge to finish off his work, and was bombarded on all sides by perfume aftershave toothpaste, deodorant, body odor and breakfast hours old.
His head throbbed. He stood,
"Alright, everyone get the hell out."
The crew turned to look at him with confusion.
"Commander?"
"You heard what I said, get the hell out, and take a shower, all of you."
They looked between each other confused,
"I don't understand-"
"What part of go take a damned shower don't you understand?"
The crew stood, not entirely sure what was going on,
"Is everything ok commander?"
Someone asked, he groaned a bit,
"You all stink to high heaven."
It was to Sunny's amusement that almost the entire room turned to sniff at themselves discreetly, appearing puzzled.
"The perfume and aftershave and the lotion. It has to go. I have the biggest headache you wouldn't believe."
"You can smell my deodorant from here?"
One of the men wondered skeptically.
"Yeah, I can tell it stopped working about an hour ago."
That left the guy frowning as he turned to the other crew members,
"Vanilla, leather and musk, powder, strawberry, chlorine from the station pool, and you, you had onions in your breakfast.”
"You can't seriously smell that from here."
One of the crewmember pointed out.
"Let me break this down to you. I can smell EVERYTHING."
A few of the crew-members began to look a little nervous,
"Everything, sir? The lieutenant wondered."
He looked at her, expression a little softer, and a tad more suffering,
"Yes crewman... everything."
She exited the room rather judiciously, as did a few other members of the crew, still sniffing at themselves, less discreetly now than before,
"No perfume, no aftershave, only odorless deodorant, please."
When they were all gone, commander Vir slumped down in his seat with a groan and a shiver,
"Why does it always have to be so cold in here."
Sunny glanced at the internal ship readings on her console,
"Adam, it’s like 75 degrees Fahrenheit (24 Celsius) in here, and may I remind you that you have specifically told everyone that if they touch the thermostat you are going to make them sleep next to the engine room?”
He spun in his seat rubbing his arms with the chill,
"Hmm, the engine room. Doesn't sound half bad.”
Sunny frowned,
"Adam, it’s like 120 degrees Fahrenheit (49 degrees Celsius) just off the engine room.”
"Perfect."
[…]
When the crew finally returned from their ministrations, they found the commander missing. Sunny, who had stepped out for a few moments, only to find the commander gone when she got back had no idea where he had gone.
He was finally located about three hours later, curled up on the floor of one of the auxiliary engine hallways. Heat directly around the core could reach dangerous levels, so he had chosen one of the outlying hallways. Even so, it was about 123 degrees Fahrenheit (49 Celsius), and dehydration had started to set in. He was eventually brought back to the medical bay where Krill acquired some heating blankets.
Over the next few weeks, his symptoms only got worse and even more strange. He was hungry all the time, and always cold. He was often seen seeking out warm areas to curl up and bask, like some sort of lizard.
Krill was forced to implement a makeshift heating room near the infirmary to avoid allowing him to wander off into more dangerous areas. His ability to smell at this time became uncanny and seemingly impossible for a human. He could smell the very chemicals used to make certain types of perfume. Usually, he knew what a person had for their last meal, and even the one before that. He even claimed to be able to smell hormone levels on the other humans, and, as far as they were concerned, he hadn't been wrong.
It became such an issue that he was practically forced into a smell-less sterile environment for his own health.
If that wasn't enough, he was practically taken out by the back pain, caused by the weight of the eggs, supported by the most unstable part of the spine, especially in men, who did not have the anatomical assistance in carrying weight on that part of their bodies, like women do.
It probably didn't help that every doctor aboard the ship wanted a look at him for scientific purposes.
As far as his personal life went, one of his brothers had caught wind of the situation, and he dared not guess what was going to happen when he called them up next. He could really only share these worries with Sunny seeing as she was the only creature on the ship, aside from Krill, who didn't carry any noticeable scent, unless you counted spinach and some fruit to be overpowering smells.
If Krill was right, the creatures were due to hatch almost any day now.
And no one was entirely sure what was going to come out when they did.
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Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author
Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

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Items are first-come, first-served. All items purchased today will be shipped out Saturday, 3.25.23. After then, I will not be taking any more purchases until my next sale post. Make sure to comment below and DM if interested per sub rules.
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Dr3w H0u$e Mauve H00d13 Size: Medium Condition: 9.5/10 Price: $50
Gucc1 [email protected] [email protected] Size: Medium Condition: New Price: $50

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J*1 T13dy3 Size: 8.5 Condition: Worn 1x without box Price: $55
N1k3 DNK L0W [email protected]$3 (PK) Size: 8 Condition: 8/10 condition without box. Will ship with regular white laces, NOT cream laces Price: $55
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Sup Triple Layer Waterproof Shell Jacket Size: Small Condition: New Price: $55

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J*1 [email protected] R3d Pair #1 (Coco) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $65
J*4 [email protected] [email protected]@s Size: 8.5 Condition: 8/10 without box Price: $65
N1k3 DNK L0W $B [email protected] (PK) Size: 8.5 Condition: 8/10 without box. Will ship with regular black laces, NOT cream laces Price: $65
Burb Tr3nch [email protected] Size: Medium Condition: 9/10 Price: $65

$85 Items:

N1k3 DNK L0W Curr¥ (PK) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $85
N1k3 DNK L0W B0rdeax (M) Size: 8.5M, 10W Condition: Worn 1x without box Price: $85
OWF SWAM 1/97 Size: 8 (fit like 8.5) Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $85
J*4 Un10n [email protected] [email protected] (PK) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $85

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Retail SUP G0R3-T3X Crusher Hat Navy F*W*20 Size: M/L Price: $100 shipped

$110 Items:

J*1 C0ur+ Purpl3 (CZ) Size: 8 Condition: Deadstock without box, top-tier, no longer produced Price: $110
J*1 Hyp3r [email protected] (CZ) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box, top-tier, no longer produced Price: $110
J*4 F1r3 R3d (GX) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $110 ($160 from KW)

Pre-Made Bundle 1: Clay Green + Track Red for $150 shipped

J*1 [email protected] Gr33n Size: 8.5 Condition: 9.5/10, worn once without box
J*1 [email protected] R3d Pair #2 (PK Kim) Size: 8.5 Condition: Deadstock without box
Get two great pairs for the price of 1 pair from a middleman

Pre-Made Bundle 2: Fantasy Pack for $120 shipped

J*1 T$1 L0w [email protected]@$¥ Size: 8 Condition: Deadstock without box Price: $70
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NK [email protected] Rust Orange Size: 8.5 Price: $45 shipped

Sold

Sup B0X L0g0 Black Size: Small Condition: 9.5/10 Price: $OLD
Sup B0X L0g0 Navy Size: Small Condition: 9.9/10, worn once Price: $OLD
$up x N1k3 Cr3wn3ck [email protected]¥ Size: Small Condition: 9/10 Price: $OLD

Predicting the NBA using Monte Carlo Simulations and Advanced Rate Stats
Back at it again this year. For people new to this, here's some quick links for the yearly recaps: 2020-2021 - 2021-2022
TL;DR
Today's Slate (3/23/23)

Home	Away	Spread	Total	Prediction	% home covering	% over
ORL	NY	3.5	229	1187 - 1189	63	71
BKN	CLE	4	219	10910 - 11110	58	56
NO	CHA	-8.5	225.5	11210 - 10010	66	7
LAC	OKC	-4	232	1089 - 11310 †	15	15

^\) ^{Includes projections for players listed as questionable
† Unofficial projection due to lack of data
# Indicates # of games worth of data available for this team's lineup}
Notes

• Out/Questionable:
  • ORL/NY - J Suggs ^Out, M Robinson ^Ques
  • BKN/CLE - B Simmons ^Out
  • NO/CHA - Z Williamson ^Out

Game bets

• ORL +3.5 3U @ 1.91 (if Robinson plays)
• ORL/NY O229 2U @ 1.91
• NO -8.5 2U @ 1.91
• OKC +4 2U @ 1.91

Props

• Anthony (ORL) 4+ A 2U @ 1.67
• Richardson (NO) 9+ P 2U @ 1.85

If you feel like tipping: Tip Jar
BTC: bc1q339p9sxvk6srp0087c9zaccyc7w9dxu94v7x3k
FAQ:
Link to FAQ
Previous Slate (3/22/23)

Home	Away	Spread	Total	Prediction	% home covering	% over	Final
WAS	DEN	8	226.5	1217 - 11410	90	76	104-118
MIA	NY	-2	224.5	11610 - 1178 \)	39 ❌	79 ✅	127-120
TOR	IND	-9	234.5	11210 - 1197 \)	5	38	114-118
DAL	GS	1	236.5	1378 - 12310 \)	91	97	125-127
CHI	PHI	3.5	221.5	11610 - 10510 \)	91	49	91-116
MEM	HOU	-12.5	231.5	1311 - 11510 †	68	96	130-125
MIL	SA	-17.5	238	13310 - 11310 †	55	74	130-94
MIN	ATL	-5	241.5	12510 - 1313 †	8	95	125-124
UTA	POR	-5	235.5	1176 - 1119 †	50	25	115-127
LAL	PHO	1	229.5	1107 - 1154 †	35	40	122-111

Notes

• Out/Questionable:
  • WAS/DEN - K Kuzma ^Out
  • MIA/NY - K Lowry ^Ques, C Martin ^Ques
  • TOIND - G Trent ^Ques, S Barnes ^Ques, T Haliburton ^Ques
  • DAL/GS - T Hardaway ^Ques, K Irving ^Ques, A Wiggins ^Out
  • CHI/PHI - A Caruso ^Ques, J Harden ^Ques
  • MEM/HOU - D Brooks ^Out
  • MIL/SA - D Graham ^Out, T Jones ^Out, J Sochan ^Ques
  • MIN/ATL - A Edwards ^Ques, D Murray ^Out, B Bogdanović ^Ques
  • UTA/POR - J Clarkson ^Out, C Sexton ^Out, A Simons ^Out, J Grant ^Out
  • LAL/PHO - L James ^Out, D Ayton ^Out, K Durant ^Out
• removed all late sits - Beal, Hali/Barnes, Irving/Hardaway, Harden/Caruso

Game bets

• WAS +8 2U @ 1.91 no Beal
• WAS ML 0.5U @ 3.60
• WAS/DEN O226.5 2U @ 1.91
• MIA/NY O224.5 2U @ 1.91 (if Lowry and Martin play) ✅
• TOIND U234 3U @ 1.91 (if everyone plays)
• CHI +3.5 2U @ 1.91 no Harden/Caruso

Props

• Love (MIA) 8+ P 2U @ 1.82 ❌, U6.5R 2U @ 1.72 ✅
• Siakam (TOR) U37.5 PRA 2U @ 1.89 (if everyone plays)
• AD (LAL) U43.5 PRA 2U @ 1.85 ✅

Takeaways

• N/A

Betting Record
Previous: 3-1 (+2.96U)
Season: 342-365 (-101.97U)
Daily Model Record
ATS: 0-1
O/U: 1-0
Total Model Record
Spread: 129-128 (50%)
O/U: 150-112 (57%)

Before getting to it… hello, this is my first post on this subreddit; please be kind to me, I'm fragile…
Anyway!

BIGJOKE(n) is [[the smallest integer bigger than any mathematically definable value] number of digits] *N times over*, where N is BIGJOKE(n-1).

this "BIGJOKE" is going on the hope that "BIGJOKE(n)" is smaller than "BIGJOKE(n-1)" by the given definition, thus theoretically spiralling upwards forever.
So… since I'm garbage at maths: how does BIGJOKE compare to the current set of contenders, and does it function as I've hoped it does?
Should it not work, but the concept be approved of, I'll try to rework BIGJOKE from the ground up… but correctly.
TL;DR: is "BIGJOKE(n)" smaller than "BIGJOKE(n-1)"? If so, do you guys like it?
HOWEVER!
Should this miraculously be what I attempted, I'll happily clear all unrelated Body Text to what BIGJOKE is.

BIGJOKE Version 1 success: awaiting reviews: ⅖ 

I should clarify… I want this to be a joke-number, not a real one.
re-read the italicized paragraph.

Okay firstly I’m pretty darn smooth. But all this increase of volume and price going negative got me thinking. (probably most likely due to most buy orders not being on the lit exchange) i remember that a few big players in the free fair market world increase their positions a while back, And with this increase in volume and price going down, just feels like a planned timed sell off by these lot. I can’t remember if the last few earnings and the days after had this amount of volume. (if so completely ignore me) So just calling it now. The next filing I’m pretty sure we will see some larger declines in their positions. Or maybe not. Who knows. Maybe me. But probably not me.
TL,DR
I’m DRS’n 22 tomorrow